you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
