My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
