Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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