Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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