So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
being pregnant is like rehab
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
