I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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