Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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