shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
