booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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