a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
