so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize