you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize