Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
