i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I will be naked everywhere
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
