I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize