I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize