phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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