i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
