well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
