walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Randomize
