You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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