I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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