Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
