I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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