My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize