Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
