Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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