I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Pooping to opera.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
