Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
