That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
