Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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