You made me cry and you don't even care
This is not my ceiling
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
