I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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