Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
