you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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