Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
