Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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