I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
