Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
