is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
