There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
