tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
