Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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