I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
