Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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