I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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