Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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