I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
