i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
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