If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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