nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
