Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
