We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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