someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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