Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
