I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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