I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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