perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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