i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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