goodnight i made you a song goodbye
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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