Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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