Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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