highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
